One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
john wicks are toilet candles
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
smartest karate player in the world
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek