This guy’s not having it 😆
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game