*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..