[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I have many caverns
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
A short story of betrayal:
knights of the ikea table
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*