crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
this is so top tier i cant
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish