Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
kids play hide and seek like
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.