me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place