ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
What flavor cupcake are these
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.