JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Bobby pin
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*