I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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I have questions??
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The Punning Dead.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah