AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Yes, this is exactly right
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
what it’s like dating me:
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids