LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
You Might Also Like
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.