Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!