My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.