My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.