finally
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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If a snake ate a cake
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.