Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey