The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.