ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Best seat on the street 😍
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460