ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
the icebreaker
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.