I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby