Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
2022 will be better than 2021
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Comparing yourself to others
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.