Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
#FunnyLife Insects
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.