husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
In banana years, I am bread.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.