If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
You Might Also Like
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome