Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach