Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
You Might Also Like
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
lol
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me redecorating every room in my mind
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice