I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]