Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood