Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.