and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
You Might Also Like
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Seems a bit forward
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.