I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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Peace was never an option
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?