Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
What a chick magnet..
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food