Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
🤣😂🤣
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Just me?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants