me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
What the hell happened here.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.