Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
i want to work in this restaurant
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
You deplete me