Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
You Might Also Like
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”