I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.