🙂🐾
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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking