I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
You Might Also Like
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
You better watch out
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
So the ex texted me
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers