It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The point of your 20s
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.