Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?