GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You Might Also Like
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”