(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.