Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
One of the best
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.