TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I hate everything
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out