Give a baker flours on your first date.
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Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.