Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt