May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
that’s really how it is
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Lmao the reply
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.