You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live